conversations with a belz girl

So Frumpunk wanted to know more about my convo with the Belz girl which I mentioned in my previous post.

Here are a few insights:

The whole no-driving thing for women - according to my source (who is 17 years old) that rule isn't so much a halacha or like a rebbe's 'commandment' per se,  so much as it a minhag.... Apparently they're big on keeping on the same traditions as their parents - That means that if your mother never drove, you won't either. I told her how I couldn't imagine life without my car - how much independence and freedom it gives me.
But she said that the idea of learning to drive would never even enter her mind - and besides, everything she'll ever need is only a walk, taxi or ride (from a father) away.
I realized there are some pros to a no-car lifestyle - she'll never have road rage or the aggravation of looking for a parking spot.

Belz women do not wear Shpitzels - that's a Satmar trend. 
(fyi -if you're wondering what that is, here's Wiki's definition: A Shpitzel is a headgear worn by many married Hassidic Women. It consists of a web-net covering the women's head, often with a "braid of hair" across the front. It is covered by a tichel.)
Instead, Belz girls wear whatever it is their mothers wear - which is usually one of the following four options: human hair sheitel, half-human hair sheitel, sheitel+hat, sheitel+headband.

Belz girls marry Belz boys
Yes, I even discussed dating with this girl.(we're that close).
So I asked her if she would consider marrying some other type of Chassid. The answer was that her parents would very much prefer that she marry another Belzer. So there you have it.

Belz girls talk to Belz boys (in secret)
This one was kind of a shocker. Granted, the people having these illicit conversations (sometimes over the telephone, and at night!) are often related (usually cousins). She seemed pretty excited to tell me this - maybe because she hasn't told anyone else and maybe because my non-Chassidish status means there's no chance I could ruin any future shidduch opportunities for her.

Dating
So, obviously, dating as the rest of the world knows it (well maybe not including Asia or most of the Middle East) is very different from what this girl will experience.
Instead, her parents will do a bunch of research, find the perfect Belzer bochur, bring him home for a sit-in or two with their daughter - and TA DA - the wedding plans begin!
I asked her what if the guy they brought home was butt ugly or had horrible breath (she had let me know just before that handsomeness was one of the qualities she would look for in a Potential - also slightly unexpected).
But apparently, the research stage usually covers qualities such as looks, so she wasn't too worried about meeting any Quasimodos.

 ***
Ok - there you have it! My conversation with a Belz Girl summed up for your curious minds. If you have any questions, don't e-mail me. Instead, feel free to visit 13th Avenue in Boro Park and find your own Chassidish bestie. Or just ask a flight attendant to move your seat next to the hottie with the tan tights.

is it wrong to celebrate new years?

Why am I getting all Yeshivish all of a sudden? I was writing a friend of mine an email and was about to end it with a 'Happy New Year' when it occured to me that this friend would most definitely not be celebrating the start of 2010. And of course, that got me thinking...

Is it wrong to celebrate this non-Jewish day? And by celebrate, I mean go to a party, drink like it's 2009, and use the aformentioned salutation when it is most definitely not Rosh Hashanah. Am I actively committing a sin by participating in a day that was originally established to celebrate the birth of christianity? Or am I just acting plain goyish by partying? (i think it's debatable whether that's such a bad thing)

Or has the gregorian calendar lost all religious significance in our secular society? Is new years just another national (well, multi-national) holiday, like Thanksgiving or Independance Day? And isn't the Jewish calendar based on the ancient Persian?

are these people jewish?

I wish I was better at Photoshop. Maybe you've never seen these people? Have you never watched TLC?

Like a lot of people, my mother is addicted to The Learning Channel. When A Baby Story is on, she says "see what I went through for you". When Say Yes To The Dress is on, she says "when will I finally get to take you to Kleinfelds?". When Jon and Kate Plus 8 is on, she says to my dad "aren't you lucky I don't yell like she does?".

Recently we were watching an episode of 18 and Counting, when she says "don't those girls look like they're Lubavitch?". Gotta admit, with their long hair and long jean skirts, they do kinda look like Chabad girls, circa 1993.

There are other similarities between the Duggar clan and your average frum family:

• They rarely watch TV, use the internet or listen to the radio.
• Modesty is a very important trait - knees and collarbones are always covered. Girls wear dresses or skirts.
• No swearing or profanity.
• Lots of Bible-time.
• Grace before meals.
• Tons of kids.

the official shidduch resume

So I was trying to help my friend Shaindy out with her shidduch resume when we decided to see whether Google had any good templates for us to use.

We found this on Hashkafah.com. Feel free to print this out next time a Shadchan calls.

The Offical Shidduch Resume

(FOR GIRLS)
Name:_______________ Nick name:________________
Age:________________ Screen name:________________
DOB:_______________ Sign:__________________
Place of Birth:
City:________________ State:______________ Country:__________
Hospital:_______________ Doctor:_______________ Midwife:_______________
Height:
With heels on:_______________
Without heels on:________________
Weight:
Before sister's wedding:______________
After sister's sheva brachos:_______________
Color Eyes:
With contact lenses:____________ Without contact lenses:_________
Religious Affiliation:
A. Jewish:
( ) FFB (Frum From Birth)
( ) BT
( ) OT
( ) Out of towner
( ) Regular orthodox
( ) Modern orthodox
B. Education: Please star * anything that was co-ed
a) Playgroup:_____________
B) Preschool:_____________
c) Elementary School:______________
d) High School:_____________
e) If you did not attend a Bais Ya'akov High School, please write a 500 word essay why. (You may attach additional paper to the back of this
resume).
f) Day Camp:_____________
g) Sleep-away Camp:_______________
h) Seminary:_______________
*Why davka this one__________________________________________________.
*Was this your first choice? Were you rejected from any seminaries and if yes, please
specify:_____________________________________________________________.
GETTING PERSONAL:
1) So, who really is the prettiest girl in Bais Ya'akov Monsey?_________________.
2) Are you really a hocker??
Check if you have any of these:
___ # of cellphone(s)
___ # beeper(s)
___ # of blowdrier(s)
___ Type of car(s)
___ VCR/DVD
___ TV
___ computer with email
___ computer with internet
___ computer with Koshernet
3) Did you ever have a crush on a boy in Miami Boy's Choir?
No____ Yes_____ (If yes, please specify # and which ones) ____________________________________
THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS MAY SEEM A BIT UNUSUAL, HOWEVER, PROFESSIONAL SHADCHANIM KNOW WHAT REALLY DETERMINES A GIRL'S CHARACTER.
4) What midda really defines your character? _____________________.
5) What do you do to relax?
A. Eat
B. Get you nails/hair done
C. Go shopping
D. Talk on the phone
E. Say Tehillim
F. Design your wedding gown
6) How much food do you need to be satisfied?
A. One slice of pizza, french fries or onion rings and a diet coke
B. Half a burger or hotdog
C. Salad, salad, and more salad
D. 3 Chalav Yisrael Hershey Kisses
E. Satisified? Never, I'm on a diet!
7) What are your eyebrows like?
A. I wax once a month
B. So thick I have to tweeze every-other night
C. Very sparse, I need to color them in
D. Non-existent is in, didn't you see the latest cover of Seventeen?
8) During the Oscar's, you are:
A. Doing chesed to counter-act the tumah
B. Watching for tips
C. Watching ER
D. The Oscar's, what's that?
9) Are your suits:
A. Long jacket, long skirt
B. Long jacket, short skirt
C. Short jacket, long skirt
D. Short jacket, short skirt (and how short?)
E. Suits, me? I go casual; denim skirt, Gap sweatshirt
10) How often do you buy a new Shabbos robe?
A. Once a year
B. Every time I see one I like
C. Whenever they go on sale
D. Twice in a life time (Bas-Mitzva and wedding IY"H)
11) How many outfits do you go through on Shabbos?
A. 1-3
B. 3-5
C. I don't get dressed
12) How much time do you spend doing your hair before a date?
A. I don't, a ponytail is good enough for me
B. 10 minutes
C. 20-40 minutes
D. 60+ minutes
13) What do you use to do your hair?
A. Brush only
B. Blowdrier
C. Straightner/Curler
D. Gel/Mouse
E. All of the above
14) What brand of make-up do you use?
A. My mother doesn't let me wear make-up
B. Whatever is on sale at Target
C. Mary Kay
D. Clinique/Lancome/Estee Lauder/MAC
15) What would you buy with a $100 gift certificate to Macy's?
A. New make-up
B. Third pair of Shabbos shoes
C. Lingerie
D. Macy's chas veshalom! I only shop at Brenda's!
E. The skirt I saw Miriam wear last week
FAMILY MATTERS:
16) What kind of table cloth does you family use?
A. Disposable
B. Pink with lace
C. Classic white
17) What does your family serve for Oneg Shabbos?
A. What Oneg Shabbos? We're all on diets!
B. Only Pashkes and Liebers
C. For those over 16- diet coke, 15 and under- fruit punch
D. Dried fruit
E. Nosh is only for those who clear the table
18) What's your retail value on the market? $$$__________
19) What time do you daven Shacharis Sunday morning?
A. Neitz, I'm usually up anyways
B. I set my alarm for an hour before zman kriyas shema
C. My mother wakes me 5 minutes before chatzot
D. Shacharis Sunday morning?!
20) What is your monthly phone bill usually like? ______________
21) What's your favorite page in a yearbook?
A. Baby pictures, they're just sooo cute!
B. Divrei Torah
C. Class pictures
D. Jokes and memories
E. Family pictures of girls with older brothers
22) When you see those chocolates on the coffee table, do you:
A. Begin drooling, but remember your bathing suit is only a size 4
B. Count calories
C. If it’s PMS time, I'll grab the whole box
D. I will not succumb to this great taiva
23) What do you do if your date opens the car door for you?
A. Look down, I'm makpid on shmiras einayim (no eye contact)
B. Run back into my house and call the shadchan
C. I say thank you, and get in
D. Blush and get in silently
24) What's your favorite dating spot?
A. Lounge
B. Lounge
C. Lounge
D. Other??? Couldn't come up with any!
25) If your older brother has a friend over for lunch, you:
A. Look down the whole meal
B. Blush when he asks you to pass the cholent
C. Talk about politics
D. Have an animated conversation until your father asks you to clear the table
E. Eat at your friend's
26) What's the most embarrassing thing that happened to you on a date?
A. My mascara shmeared
B. My hair frizzed in the rain
C. He forgot my name
D. Too many quiet moments
E. When I sat down, my skirt went above my knees
F. Met too many of our ex-dates in the lounge
27) Why do you feel you are ready for marriage?
A. My parents are forcing me
B. I want a baby
C. I just came back from sem, a true kalah maidel
D. I can whip up a whole Shabbos in 3 hours
E. All my friends are
28) What does it take for a boy to get on your list:
A. One phone call, I'm 20, an alta kakah
B. 4 phone calls from prominent rabbanim
C. Money makes things move pretty quickly
D. He has to be my mother's cousin's sister's mother-in-law's best friend's son
E. If he attends the Mir
F. A blue eyed stud who knows how to dress
29) What do you feel is your supreme sacrifice for Torah?
A. Living on a kollel salary
B. Letting your husband learn half a day
C. Eating out only once a week
D. Driving a Camry (not a Mercedes or Rolls)
E. Doing my nails myself
30) Why do you think you should be chosen above everyone else?
A. I throw really cool parties
B. I wear a size 4
C. I have great yichus
D. I can talk on the phone while mopping the floor and holding the screaming baby
E. I have a great personality, real modest
F. My grandparents left me a huge trust fund
31) What kind of engagement ring are you looking for:
A. A plain band
B. A nice 1 carat diamond
C. A big diamond surrounded by emeralds
D. I'll take what I can get
E. Anything from Tiffany's or Cartier
I, _____________________ promise that everything I have answered above is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Please help me Hashem.
SIGNATURE: ____________________

things that frum weddings can do without

This one's inspired by Bad4Shidduchim's recent post about how she hates the whole maypole umbrella 'tradition' that is now a part of every frum wedding. (personally, I don't really mind it...it makes for great pics! and it's practically how you know the wedding you're at is Jewish - no matter what the original origin of the thing)

Here are some things I don't think Frum weddings realllly need (if only because these things sometimes puzzle me or just plain get on my nerves):

1) Simcha Dancing - or, as I like to call it, Square Dancing. Because no one is ever really any good at it and no one ever looks good doing it, except for the one or two girls who decide to go off in a corner of the dance floor and pull moves you know they practice at home. Rarely is the Kallah actually involved in the routine - and all it does is confuse everybody else and put a halt to the REAL dancing  - you know, where everyone squeezes together in disjointed circles around the perspiring bride.

2) Lifting of the Bride by women in stilettos - I think if there is any moment in a girl's life where she should give in to non-Shomer desires, this is it. If what was supposed to happen in the Yichud room went according to plan, then surely the bride won't mind letting a few more sweaty guys get a little close. Let the men lift her people! It's a matter of life and death. No seriously, we've all heard that one story about the bride who spent her wedding night in the hospital because of a bad chair-lift. And why is there always that one girl in size-double-zero dress wearing six-inch heels part of the lift crew? I see a chairlift and I step away - there's no reason to get into a situation where you're potentially liable for a lawsuit.

3) And speaking of which..... putting the bride on a table is NOT safe either. I say this from personal experience, where I thought that we had killed the bride, as a table leg broke and she came crashing to the ground. Not a happy memory.

4) The three-dance rule. I hate rules. And if the bride is someone I really like, and if I'm having a great time, I don't see why the band has to stop playing after just three rounds of circle-time. One time, I got yelled at by a DJ when I asked him to play just one more song. (he must've been off his meds - wish I remembered his name so I could tell you who not to use)

5) People talking during the Chuppah. This is almost worse than talking during Shul. So disrespectful. Ok, I'll admit - I am sometimes guilty of this too. (this is often the best time to get all the gossip about the groom's illegitimate brother and his uncle's recent jail-time). But when the noise level of the crowd is so bad that you can barely hear the Chussan step on the glass, there is a problem.

6) Bad Sushi - there's no secret that sushi is the way to my heart. But sushi at weddings is rarely any good, or even passable. And how exactly are people supposed to use the soy sauce? Even when my craving overrules my palate, I hate eating Sushi at shmorgs (well really, I hate eating at shmorgs) because there really is no polite way to eat a piece besides stuffing the entire thing in my mouth. Definitely not polite to have a mouthful of rice when I'm busy saying hello to each of my hundred second cousins. Still, I applaud the efforts of families who actually do bother to spend some dough on a decent shmorg. (if you're really bored right now, go look up the word 'shmorg' at http://www.urbandictionary.com/)

7) Bright Lights - I know old people hate the dimmer switch, but I personally think it adds ambiance. I hate when weddings are brightly lit - in a room where everyone's wearing entire jars of MAC, you'd think halls would be glad to save some money off their electric bills. Apparently some places (eden palace) actually don't let you lower the lights for the Chuppah. Ladies, I think this calls for a protest.

8) Bridal gowns with non-detachable trains. Someone needs to speak to Kleinfelds. There is no reason why a girl's gown needs to give her such a headache when she's trying to dance. Every bride spends at least 20 minutes surrounded by a team of 20 people trying to figure out what to do with all those ties and buttons that supposedly bustles up the dress. I have yet to see this actually work. What usually happens - that big long train gets tied into one big knot.

9)  Weddings that end too early - I still haven't gotten used to that part of living in NY. Where I'm from, dessert tables are brought out at midnight and if I'm home before one it means I wasn't having a good time.

10) The bar on the wrong side of the Mechitza. Unless a girl is brave enough to cross over, need I say more?

does my voice turn you on?

I hate the whole 'Judaism is sexist' movement - because I really don't think that it is, or rather, that it is meant to be. I was raised and educated to believe that women are equal but different. That women have just as many rights, and way fewer obligations in terms of our religion, which is really just how I like it.
I like that I don't have to get up at 6 in the morning to daven with a minyan. I like that I don't have to wear extra articles of clothing. I like that I get to thank G-d for making me the way I am (I always thought of it as a compliment, thanking Hashem for making us perfect - and something that men don't get to say).

One thing that does kinda get on my nerves is the whole Kol Isha thing. I'm usually a 'na'aseh v'nishma' girl, and while I do 'do' this mitzvah, sometimes I wish this one weren't so serious. I have some friends with truly amazing voices, two who even take professional voice lessons and could definitely get famous or star on Broadway if it weren't for the Kol Isha issues. Sure, they could probably still make it in the 'women's only' section at Eichler's, but I wish they could do a little better with the talent Hashem gave them.

Then there's the whole awkward, what-do-I-do-when-everyone-else-is-singing-zmiros thing on Shabbos. At my house, I've been blessed with a father who sings tunes that no one else ever knows (our family joke is that it's probably because he makes them up as he goes along). And so, I don't really do that much singing at home.

But when I'm at someone else's place, it can get a little confusing. Some people hold by the 'kol isha doesn't count if there are guys singing too' philosophy. Which is totally cool in my books and which is how my MO day school held. But other people are a little more strict about the whole thing. Which I'm cool with too - because really, I don't think my voice is all that delightful. But when the family has a house full of daughters who do get to sing, I kinda feel left out. And sometimes it's hard to tell how a family holds. So if I'm in a house where people expect their female guests to sing - am I being rude if I don't?

Going back to my issues with the issue - I do sort of understand why Kol Isha was invented in the first place. Singing can definitely be sexy. Who knows - maybe the Rabbis of the Talmud predicted just how sexy it would get. (anyone hear Britney's latest explicit single, '3'?) But for every Britney and Madonna, there's a Regina Spektor - who sells tickets based on her voice not on her 'performance' (well, so far at least). Why do  the frum Reginas of the world have to stay quiet?

All I know is this..... my voice = definitely not sexy.

the pre-date date

In two separate conversations that I had over the course of this past Shabbos, I learned about the latest fad in Brooklyn dating - the Pre-Date Date.

Convo #1 was with a good friend who also happens to be a Guy (i have some of those) and pretty Yeshivish (i have some of those too). He was telling me about some girl who was recently redd to him who asked that they meet for a casual thirty-minute session before they set up their date. He thought this was crazy - doesn't the pre-date qualify as a date?  I didn't have a chance to talk to him at length about this - we were at a separate-seating bar mitzvah and to do so would have made me either look desperate or like a whore (which on a psychological level may be one and the same).

Convo #2 was at the same event, albeit with a Boro Park Mamma (when she heard I was single she stuck to me like glue) who told me how she tells all her kids to meet before they date. Kind of like a b'show, only not just for Chassidish people. Her take on this was that spending the mandatory 4 hours on a date (i never knew frum dates had specific schedules, but i should thank her for clearing it up for me) is a waste of time when often the couple knows within 20 minutes whether or not they are compatible (sometimes it feels like all I need is 10). So in a way, the pre-date date is a time-saver. It's also a money-saver considering how much some boys dish out on dates (but I'm not gonna complain about that).

What do you think? Should the pre-date date become the hot new trend in the shidduch world? I'm on the fence about this one - I kinda like the quick-and-easy approach... but, time-wise, it'll still take me 2 hours to get ready.

jews & food - a love/hate relationship - part II

Now comes the hate part.

It's interesting that while food is so much a part of our culture, that thinness is too. In other cultures that condone fatty food (think KFC - I hope this example doesn't come off as racist), bootylicious bodies are celebrated.

But for some reason, Jewish girls and eating disorders seem to go hand in hand today.

Some people blame the Shidduch system (where a girl's dress size is a normal field on a 'resume').

But I never went to schools that frum. And yet I remember how in junior high and high school, the end of lunch and recess was when all the stalls in the little girls' room were taken. And not because anyone had to relieve the typical bodily functions. (hmm... maybe that was too much info -hope that doesn't make YOU barf). Almost everyone I knew had some type of eating disorder. Myself included.

But maybe even in our MO non-shidduch world, we were still part of the whole Jewish 'binge and purge' culture. We learned to binge on Shabbos, purge the rest of the week.

I can't totally blame our faith for our unhealthy activities. Maybe if we adhered more strongly to the Rambam's teachings then we would be in a better place.

Eating disorders are a part of the 'outside' world too. Maybe that's where it comes from. Maybe we haven't done a good enough job of insulating ourselves from those negative sources. (are the women in Kiryas Yoel less thin because they don't watch America's Next Top Model?)

when i grow up

I just read a newspaper article which claims that the average age of video game users today is 35. I can't remember the last time I played nintendo or gameboy or playstation or whatever those boxes are that my brothers are obsessed with and that take up all that room under the tv in our family room. But then - I was always more of a Barbie Girl. ;)

So while I'm not exactly a gamer, and while my barbie collection has sadly and rather reluctantly been reduced (at the rather cruel insistence of my mother when I was at the tender age of 12), I still hesitate to label myself the A-word. You know - an Adult.

I had this coversation with a friend a little while ago who insisted that anyone over a certain legal age is no longer a minor - and thus joins the ranks of the grown-up.

But while in law this might hold true (and for drinking), I argue that this is arguable based on important facts of life (such as the aforementioned average age of gamers) which inhibit maturity and delay adulthood.

So what makes someone an adult?

Is a college student not yet an adult? But then what if that student is married with kids? And what if you have a job but you're still 19?

Does marriage and having kids make someone an adult? I used to think so - until friends younger than me became moms and dads.

I like to think that knowing certain things - like how to pay taxes - makes you grown up. But I've since realized that I might always have to depend on my father's accountant.

Does living on your own make you an adult? Maybe not so much in the frummy world where teens get shipped off to out-of-town yeshivas at 13...

And aren't more and more people in their late twenties and thirties still living with their parents? I read another article that talked about the newest trend in apartment living - post-college dorm-style à la washington heights or uws where whole buildings are almost entirely rented out by singles.

Is that why more people are single longer? Have none of us grown up yet? Are we too busy playing nintendo?

the double decker

I was sitting on the train the other day, chatting with a good friend, swapping shidduch stories, the latest horror stories (often one and the same) and the newest crop of awful questions asked by nosy yentahs.

By the time the Express exited the platform at its last stop in Brooklyn, my friend and I had developed a little entourage of fellow shidduch-daters and commentators who provided their own profound insights and lilting tales of singledom.

I thought I’ve heard it all.

I’ve heard of the usual background checks – you know, where the shadchan looks into whether eight of your European great-grandmothers hid their hair.

But apparently now, in order to be frummer than thou, an extra measure of frum precaution is taken in the form of the following essential question (girls, please answer truthfully):

‘What does your mother wear on her head when she lights the Shabbos candles?’

Here are your choices:
a) Nothing at all
b) A hat or tichel
c) A sheitel
d) A sheitel & a hat or tichel

If you answered A, then what are you even doing reading a blog about frummkeit???
If you answered B or C, you’re frummish – maybe not right for the boy in mind…
But if you answered D – then we have a winner! (well, actually, it just qualifies you for round 2 – which is where we ask your bra size, but it’s a good start)

That’s right – sheitels are out of vogue – you now need to prove that your Ima wears a double decker when she’s doing any sort of mitzvah.

Since when did we all start becoming so holy?

prison minyan

They say Jews and Italians are very similar. We're both obsessed with good food, we both put a lot of emphasis on family, and we both spend a lot of time Upstate. And by Upstate, I mean Woodbourne. As in the Correctional Facility.

I'm totally generalizing here.

Not all Italians are criminals.

But in the Jewish community, it seems like pulling a 'Bernie' is the latest fad, and has been for some time.

In Crooklyn, they say that if you actually have to sweat for your money, you're doing something wrong. If you actually have to work for your money, you're an idiot. Why work when you can work the system?

No one in Boro Park pays for food anymore. There's no need when the government gives out free food stamps. No one's married legally anymore - why bother when single mothers get nice fat cheques in the mail from old Uncle Sam.

I hate ranting.

But whatever happened to being embarrassed about serving time?

I'm sure you all heard about that Chassidish guy who had Shweky perform at his son's bar mitzvah... the one held inside of the prison cafeteria.

It's like jails have replaced country clubs as THE place to be for frum men. And apparently membership is a lot cheaper. Woodbourne practically has all the same amenities as a Kosher Pesach hotel - various outdoor and indoor sports activities, gym equipment, daily minyans, chavrusahs, glatt kosher gourmet meals. And best of all - THE MOST kosher mechitzah in the world.

And why shouldn't all this exist in Upstate New York? Especially when our men are encouraged not to go to college, encouraged to stay in kollel for as long as possible and convinced that certain jobs are 'beneath them'... all the while being encouraged to marry young and have large families, pressured to have gorgeous homes and luxury cars and expected to keep up appearances... even if that includes an orange prison uniform.

Lakewood Lesbians

You read that right.

My good friend Ettie sent me a link that she received by e-mail from a third party who shall remain anonymous (only because the last thing MM needs is a not so pretty lawsuit).

Click here for the link to the not-so-tznius site.

It's actually a Yahoo group for in-the-closet female frummies who want to get off on pics of others of their kind.

Unfortunately, those of you looking for some hardcore pics (maybe like those on a similar site that I've mentioned in the past....) are out of luck. You have to join this group in order to gain access... and sorry Boys, but unless you've got a female friend who is willing to help you out on this one, this site is strictly Girls-Only.

I haven't joined - this $hit grosses me out. But the Us Weekly-loving part of me kinda wants to - if only to see if there's anyone on there who I recognize...

I know I'll probably risk sounding like my Bubby by writing this - but what is going on with this generation???

divorce of course

Someone recently told me that that people in the Tri-State are starting to make their Bar Mitzvahs fancier than their weddings... because you know, a Bar Mitzvah only happens once per lifetime.

What's up with that?

Divorce is not new. It's certainly not new to Jews. It's actually talked about in the Torah. (see Dvarim, perek 24)

But for some reason, it was always suggested that Jewish marriages were better than that. Marriage was forever. It was with someone who was compatible on many different levels. It was serious, as serious as Yom Kippur. Marriage was about being complete with another person, about creating a family, about living and passing on Jewish values.

They used to say, maybe they still say, that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Slowly it seems that Jewish marriages are starting to catch up to the national average.

Ok, I'm exaggerating. It's my blog. But still.

I have a good friend from Brooklyn who is 23 years old. She went to a good all-girls school. A little more modern than Bais Yacov, but almost there. Out of 25 girls in her class, 20 have been married. 4 are divorced. I suck at math, but I think that's like 5%. I'm just amazed that these girls are only 23 and have already been married and divorced. (I'm actually more amazed at those girls who at similar ages have been married, divorced and remarried. I can't even do it once)

So what's the story? Why are more people getting divorced these days?

Is it because divorce is more acceptable? (which is totally cool in my books - why should someone be stigmatized because they married a capital L - Loser? and by Loser I also mean Abuser)

Is it because divorce is an easy option? An easy way out of an argument? I wish I had more insight into this, but as you know, I have yet to tie the knot with FrumPunk....

Rabbi Wallerstein blames the internet. And Facebook. In a recent shiur he said that husbands are spending more time online than with their wives. Is this true? Is Facebook really to blame? My dad is convinced that the Facebook generation is going to $hit. That we waste time checking out our friends' new Europe pictures when we could be out working and doing something a little more useful. Like making money. (if only I could find a job that paid me to write about myself...)

Oh, I just have to add this next bit before I forget. It may be total lashon harah, but I'm not mentioning names....

Apparently there's a new trend among singles... well divorced singles that is. Young divorced singles who may or may not have kids. Apparently there are some not-so-Shomer parties and not-so-Shomer vacations happening where these Divorcees leave their kids with their exes for the weekend and have fun with other Divorcees. Did I mention that all of these people are supposedly frum? Fakewood is right.

being FRUM

A cute little thing I heard said by a friend:

Being FRUM means....

That U are FRUM

That U are in the 'middle' of the road aka 'normal'

That everyone to the 'right' of U is an FR - Fanatic Retard

& That everyone to the 'left' of U is M - too Modern

today's wtf moment

I was sitting on the train on my way home from work today (yup! actually got a seat!), just minding my own beeswax (or pretending to - come on, as though you don't also stare at your fellow MTA users). I noticed these two cute guys talking, both dressed rather smartly in suits, both sans skullcaps.

Ok, so definitely not Potentials, but who doesn't like some sweet eye candy when you're seated next to a sweaty homeless dude. So I couldn't help but listen to their convo, and when I heard the word 'Rebbe' drop, my Jewish ears just naturally perked up.

Turned out that Guy A was actually a yid. He was telling Guy B tales from his yeshiva days, when his Rebbes would smack him around, and in his words, subject him to both physical and emotional abuse. They would tell him how he would never amount to anything. They would tie him up like a dog. They would slap his hands with rulers. And this guy looked to be about my age - so we're not talking 1932 here - that's if this actually did happen. (is it still Lashon Harah if I make that disclaimer?)

Guy A also talked about about how a number of his friends went OTD (if you don't know what that means, we can't be friends. Or just click here). How their Rebbes caused them to have such horrible opinions about frumkeit. How it's such a miracle that one of his friends, who particularly suffered in school, is still religious.

I kind of felt bad for this kid. I still kinda do.

Eventually, Guy B (the non-Yid) got off the train. Then we got closer to Flatbush. That's when Guy A pulls out his black velvet yarmulke.

WTF.

crazy shadchan questions - the outrage edition

I have a feeling this next sentence is gonna sound like the beginning of a Yenta's tale.

I started thinking after I read a post written by Ezzie over at SerandEz where he wrote about a comment he saw written by N on a post written by Bad for Shidduchim.

It always surprises me to hear those crazy questions asked by today's yentas (aka Shadchans). Personally, the craziest question I ever got was whether I wore pantyhose or not (ok, crazy where I'm coming from). But still, all those stories I hear from my friends have me wondering what some people are smoking today.

First - because those questions are mamush crazy. ( I know, I wrote 'mamush'. But I live in Brooklyn - I guess the peer pressure has finally gotten to me. But don't worry. I haven't started wearing headbands on the back of my head with a major poof in front. And Grey's Anatomy is on summer hiatus, so I stopped using 'seriously'... well not seriously, but kinda)

Ok back to crazy. (I can't say 'retarded' because apparently that's not a nice word anymore. Although maybe in this case, I don't have to be so nice). So crazy. The questions are simply nuts. What normal (non-retarded) person would ask such a question?

Second - because aren't these people supposed to be 'frum' (whatever that means). Shadchans pretend that they ask these questions because they 'need to know' how 'frum' a single is. And yet, rather ironically, the questions posed are so incredibly UN-frum, UN-tznius, horribly indecent, morally-debasing and degrading. I would even add 'dehumanizing' to my list of complaints. That's right. Treating men and women as though they are pieces of meat, up for inspection to be sold at market is dehumanizing.

What does this demonstrate of the values and morals of today's society? How does this reflect on the ideals of the so-called 'frum' community?

Concerns about someone's lineage, wealth, appearance, job - aren't those extremely gashmius, un-holy, un-frum concerns?

learning about people who are different

I asked my Flatbush friend if she wanted to go to the Ohel.
She had no clue what the Ohel was.
I told her it's where the Lubavitcher Rebbe is buried.
She was like "Oh, is it like a big thing to go there? Do people do that?".
I'm no Lubie. But I know where 770 is.
I'm not a Chasid. But I've met a couple of Rebbes and Rebbetzins over the years.
And I've done the Kevarim tour in Israel at least three times.
My Flatbush friend didn't even know what Amuka was. (considering that she's a frum single girl, it's pretty suprising)
Maybe it's because my father is part-Chassidish (internally that is, although he has always claimed that his grandfather was Viznitz). Maybe that's why I've grown up respecting Rebbes and Rabbeim. I love a good Bracha.
Is it weird that I know a little bit about other 'cultures'? Or is it weirder that my Flatbush friend doesn't?

aidels are out

I'm trying to set up this guy I'm friends with in Brooklyn. He said that he is looking for a girl 'with an attitude'. A girl who isn't sweet, shy or aidel. He wants a hot Brooklyn type - the kind of girl who wears super tight skirts with slits up to here - and long sheitels down to there. I don't think there's anything wrong with that type. I don't really see myself becoming a hippy housewife and I'm still working on my issues with tznius. (and let's face it - there really isn't anything tznius about looking like a married ho, and that's exactly what some of those women look like)

But whatever happened to the good girls? It used to be that there were two types of girls out there - the kind a guy had fun with, and the kind a guy actually married. Now, the aidel girls are out of vogue.

I'm friends with some aidel girls - some more aidel than others. When I say Aidel, I don't just mean a Good Girl (there is a difference). I mean those naive, innocent girls who have never been exposed to anything outside of their frum neighborhood. The ones who drop yeshivish words like its goin' outta style, and look confused when you use English words with more than two syllables. They don't get any pop culture references and probably don't even know what pop culture is. But they've often got a lev tov and have extremely good middos - or maybe its just brainwashing. (their eyes tend to be glazed over)

Maybe that's why most frum guys now prefer the other type of maidel. A material maidel is a girl who is real - not necessarily materialistic, but if that's part of living a real life, then so be it. By 'real' I mean in touch with the world - knows what's going on - and says what she thinks, not just 'the right thing' to say. (every convo with an Aidel Maidel seems to be the same - "How do you like your job?" "Oh, Baruch Hashem, I teach such an amazing group of children. They're mamish so smart, keneina hara" - translation= they're terrors)

I've noticed that there are fewer true Aidels out there - female or male (what do you call an aidel male?). And the few that are left are not really in demand. Maybe that's part of the whole lowering of the generations thing. Maybe more people are watching their not-so-secret TVs. Maybe it's just a 'what's in style' thing.

Or maybe I've just been in Brooklyn too long...

high on life

I just wrote this post about Marijuana over at Sex, Drugs & Judaism:

Remember when smoking weed was cool?

I remember how in high school, ganja replaced smelly markers, slap on bracelets and purple braces as the new cool thing to have.

By 12th grade, most of my friends had tried weed at least once. My friend's brother and his friend (both only one year older than us) were known dealers in our very suburban neighborhood. Some of the guys we hung out with would often have that red-eyed glassy stare of perpetual potheads. They didn't go to our school, were not frum, and some were pretty cute - basically the classic bad boys of our high school girls' dreams.

And then we graduated.

I'm leaving out the whole year in Israel thing - because let's face it - that's when you're at your most experimental. And what happens in Israel - stays in Israel.

But when you're in college - or rather, when you actually care about school while you're in college- drugs are probably the least sexy thing you can think of. They kill brain cells. They take away from potential study time. And when you're striving towards a future as a Jewish Lawyer/Doctor/Accountant (especially when your Jewish parents are footing the $50,000 a year bill) - drugs are very much not part of your life.

Unless you're friends with people with different goals.

One of my high school friends never went to college. She wasn't interested. Her boyfriend let her move in for free (provided she cook and clean) and her days were happily spent getting wasted, getting high, or getting it on with her man. He made money by working as a construction worker and selling marijuana to high school kids. Weeds is not just a tv show. It's some people's lives.

Anyhow, eventually this guy found a new girl. My ex-friend was kicked out. With no money, no college education, no spousal support to fall back on. Nowhere to even live (her Jewish parents were not about to take her back). Weed has messed her up.

I know some people who are occasional smokers - who think it's perfectly fine to get high once in a while. Marijuana's harmless right?

But cmon? Isn't it so high school?

Grownups do coke.

Lag B'Omer means...

• You can finally listen to the amazing MM playlist
• You can finally listen to the amazing MM playlist out loud even when there are frummies around
• You don't have to hide your Ipod on the subway
  
• You probably smell like you've been smoking a pack of Marlboros
  
• Wedding Season 2009 has officially begun
  
• And now you can finally start shopping again for Wedding Season 2009
• Unless Sfira hasn't kicked your shopping habit
  
• Goodbye Scruffy beards
• Goodbye Split Ends