when friends become mommies....

Time seriously flies.

I recently bumped into a married friend who I haven't seen in a long while.

As in last time I saw her she had just given birth to her first.

Now she's just given birth to her second!

Her firstborn isn't even a baby anymore - it's a real, talking, walking person.

It's kinda scary to think that friends my age are now mommies to people!

I still remember freaking out when some of my friends started getting husbands!

i guess i'm just really bad with names

A few weeks ago, this guy I was set up with gave me a call.

He said that my phone number sounded very familiar - which is pretty strange, I mean who memorizes phone numbers! I barely know my closest friends' digits.... you know because these days cellphones come with address books...

He asked me if I was from Baltimore - another weird question - didn't he ask the shadchan ANYTHING about me?

He then told me a story about a girl this girl from Baltimore and slowly, I realized he wasn't totally crazy - he was talking about me! Of course I didn't mention anything. I pretended to be shocked and appalled that someone would do such a thing. And then I tried to find excuses why we weren't going to be a good match!

Here's the story, for your enjoyment!

This goes back at least two years if not more. Two different people had set me up with two different guys who both lived in Brooklyn. I was going to be in Boro Park for a friend's wedding, so I figured why not get in some dating while I was there.

I had been on the phone with both guys the week before my trip - and like the name of this post suggests, I'm really bad with names, so I could hardly keep track of which guy said what.

It was my early days of dating when I was far from serious about the whole thing (not that I am that much more mature now). Our conversations were really about NOTHING (kinda like Seinfeld) and I was careful not to ask specific questions - lest I get the information wrong! (nothing is worse than asking an orphan to tell you about his parents)

Anyhow, I eventually told boy #1 that it wouldn't work out over the phone - this was before I had met either of them. He just always seemed to talk about things that were a little toooo sexually inappropriate. Creeeepy. So I was down to boy #2 who seemed a little more normal on the phone - if only because he didn't sound like a molester.

I was supposed to meet him the next night after my friend's wedding. But at the wedding, the kallah kind of 'bullied' me into coming to her sheva brachos, so I had to tell boy #2 that our date would have to be rescheduled.

He wasn't too happy about that. "Don't you want to see me", he asked. "I don't even really know you", I responded. He kept whining and bugging me about it, so eventually I got really fed up and said "MORTY! Listen! I Can't See You Tomorrow!". Turns out his name was Chaim. I was sooo embarrassed, I faked a bad cellphone signal and blocked his calls.

And that is why, ladies and gentleman, one should never double date!

brachas on breasts

A friend of mine, Tzipporah, came over for dinner, and showed a little bit of cleavage.

Another friend, Ben, told me later that he couldn't make brachas or bench in front of her 'display'. (He also asked me to put away all the US Weeklies and other mags with non-tznius ads)

Her problem? I'm thinking it's his.

You can't force other people to cover up.

Unless you're in Afganistan.

the importance of being edumacated

I was recently set up with this guy who happens to be a little bit more Yeshivish than me. To tell you the truth, I only went out with him because I was wondering why a Yeshivish guy would agree to date someone who wasn't. (Turns out he wanted to 'see if it could work' with me, despite the fact that I wear jean skirts. Does that make me a science project?) And because like I've said before, I secretly have a thing for guys with black hats.

So like any Litvish bachur, he never went to College. Although that's normally an important criteria for me in my quest to find a mate (let's be honest here - that's what we're all doing!), it's not necessarily a deal breaker. Don't get me wrong. I think education is extremely important. I would definitely prefer to 'spend my life' with someone who has achieved a similar level of education. Nevertheless, while it would be nice if a guy knew that the title of this post was a reference to an Oscar Wilde play, as long as a guy knows I'm not talking about the Wiener Dogs, it's cool.

I know that school isn't for everyone - some people, for whatever reason, have to take the work route in the 'Choose your own adventure' path that is life. A lot of people I know, my father included, have done prettty well without a bachelor's degree. (Richard Branson and Simon Cowell were high school dropouts. But then, so was Paris Hilton.)

Anyhow, back to the guy without an education - I think he had some sort of inferiority complex about his lack thereof (oops - lashon harah). He kept talking about how he was so much smarter than his friends who did go to college and how education is totally unimportant and irrelevant. That was the deal breaker. (my future kids, definitely not with this guy, are definitely going to college.)

He asked me if I was concerned about his lack of education. Maybe because I'm a really nice person and because I didn't want to shatter his fragile ego, I told him that I didn't mind. I'm really not good at breaking up with people.

So instead, I told him that my mother doesn't cover her hair and that I recently showed some skin at the beach. And got tipsy over New Year's. And that I watch Californication and Weeds. And that I would definitely need a TV in the house to watch these shows.

Date over.

:)

not the ending he was hoping for

My very good and very gorgeous friend, Julia, was in New York last week where she stayed at a friend's apartment on the UWS. This friend set her up with a tall & very cute guy, let's call him Avi, who very conventiently lives in the same building.

Julia and Avi had a pleasant but somewhat boring dinner date at a very expensive steakhouse not very far from the building.

Over dinner, Julia mentioned that she was expecting a very important e-mail from a college professor, but that her friend, having newly moved into the said apartment, did not have internet access.

Avi very kindly accepted Julia's request to use his laptop, and internet access, at his apartment.

After dinner, the two headed back to Avi's apartment, which, as mentioned, is located in the very building where Julia was staying.

While Julia was reading her very important e-mail, Avi let her know that he would be 'freshening up' in the meantime.

Julia noticed that after 'freshening up', Avi smelled very much like Hugo Boss and Crest toothpaste. Julia also noticed that Avi was not wearing the Burberry Blue dress shirt that she had admired over dinner.

Julia gave Avi a smile, not a very sincere one at that, as the Hugo was a little too strong for Julia's liking. She glanced back at the computer screen, and typed a very short e-mail reply to her professor.

All done with her e-mail, Julia gave Avi another smile, thanked him very much for dinner and the internet access, and planted a soft kiss...

on his cheek.

And then she walked to his door and said a very happy goodbye!

what if you weren't his/her first?

This question is really directed to those of you who haven't had any premarital experiences. I'm presuming that the answer would be very different if you had. (is presuming the same as assuming? I'm trying not to make a donkey of myself...)

But what if you found out that the guy or girl you were seeing had a not so tznius past?

I remember there was a season of Big Brother on TV (my friends are groaning now) where a girl found out some interesting facts about the guy she had been sleeping with all season long - turned out the guy was a gay porn movie star!

Ok, that's probably the WORST thing you could ever find out. And seeing as how peyos and X-rate movies don't really mix (maybe in YOUR fantasy babe, surely not in mine), you'll probably never have to worry about that kind of thing happening in your lifetime.

So what if you found out that the FFB girl you're considering for marriage had a couple of wild nights in sem? Or that the BT suggested to you worked as a Chippendale? (to pay for college of course) Or that every girl on the UWS has seen your recently flipped-out boyfriend's bedroom, but you?

Would you change your mind before making the trip down the aisle with this 'person with a past'? Would it make a difference if he/she (let's hope it's either he or she, and not he-she) was only suggested to you, and not yet someone you developed feelings for?

Would you rather enter a marital union with someone with the same level of experience, well, lack of experience, as you? Or do you think that his or her experience would make your first time together a little less..... awkward?

meme ? Me Me?

I've never heard of a meme before, and I still don't quite grasp the concept, but then the Babysitter tagged me in this post she did .

She did a book meme, which I would do, except I'd have to write out a whole paragraph from page 56 of the nearest book. Unfortunately, there is only one nearest book with me here on vacation, and I'm only on page 17 - and not about to ruin it for myself!

Anyhow, I figured that a lot more readers would prefer this next meme!

Seven Facts About Me

Here are the rules:
1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people (if possible) at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.

1) I can't do my nails myself. I still haven't figured out how to cut my own nails. Pretty pathetic, huh? I've never mastered using a pair of scissors with my left hand, and for some reason, clippers freak me out. I also don't know how to put nail polish on without making a huge mess. When my nails get too long (if they haven't already chipped on their own) I either bite them (i know, it's a gross habit), file them, or let an asian figure it out! (try Essie in Waltz)

2) I wish I was British. I used to be obsessed with all things British - especially the history and the royal family. I even wrote a post about how much I looooove the accent. If only FrumPunk would propose.... sighhhh....

3) I love Big Brother. Ok, most reality television. But especially Big Brother. And especially the British version. (Celebrity BB UK comes out January 2nd!) Most of my friends know this about me. I don't know why - maybe it's the yenta in me, but I really love watching other people live. Right now I'm watching Top Chef, which is slightly more intellectual, if only because there is actual talent involved.

4) I don't eat veal. Or fish if I can see its head. Or chicken if it's whole. I would probably go vegan if my stomach would let me.

5) I used to think I was a princess. Like an actual princess. All the movies I watched had princesses in them, so naturally I must have been one too. Maybe that explains my British obsession... (we don't have royalty in America) Oh, and most importantly -my father called me Princess. And fathers never lie.

6) Movies make me cry. And not just sad movies. I even cried during Scream - when the killer dies. (because he was played by that hottie Skeet Ulrich) And during the last Star Wars movie.

7) I wish I was tanned.

Tagged: FrumPunk, FrumSkeptic, Jessica, MikeInMidwood, FrumSatire, Jacob Da Jew, and Nameless Faceless
and my tagger: The Babysitter

wear this

Someone saw my post about exciting tznius-wear and asked me to mention some of his new products. He wanted a 'subtle' plug, but since when do I do subtle? And besides, unlike some of the other 'clothing' items on this page, I wouldn't mind being caught in this.

It's actually quite useful for a frum girl who's found the perfect gown for her best friend's wedding and needs to make it tznius without having to pay $250 for a dressmaker to ruin it. And unlike other tight tees, this one falls right under the bust line (I feel so grown up saying 'bust') - so no lines!

To find out where to get this shirt (which comes in a variety of colors and sizes) contact Mark at mark@migapparel.com

segulah segulah

do you believe in segulahs?

Personally, when it comes to segulahs, I take the 'well, it sure can't hurt' approach. Because really, you never know!

But who comes up with this stuff?

I've heard of some interesting ones for dating. Like pouring water for your friends. Then there's the one where you have to say Shir Hashirim or Perek Shira for forty days straight. (I can barely make it to the gym for three days straight, so this one's never really worked out for me).

And there are a ton of dating segulahs that are wedding-related. Like holding onto a bride's jewelry while she's at the chupah. Drinking from the wine cup that the couple drinks out of under the chupah or at benching. Or getting a bracha from the bride directly (much less germy!). Or getting a piece of the plate that the mothers break. (which by the way, I just learned that you are supposed to LOSE! so much for getting excited about getting the biggest piece! or for that collection of broken china that now takes up space in my room)

Then there's the classic - visiting the grave of Rav Yonatan ben Uziel in Amuka. I've been there a few times (even got stung by a bee there? maybe that's a segulah!) and I've heard some pretty amazing stories about girls getting married a year later. I never really davened for myself when I went (except for maybe the last time) - I'll let you know if it works!

friends with babies

here's to hoping that no one i know reads this....

A few of my friends have babies.

I'm not particularily close anymore with any of these people - let's face it - once a friend gets married, it's usually GOODBYE! See you when I've got a husband too! (So that we can double date, because let's face it - before then, it's third wheel syndrome. And the third wheel is either me or your husband - awkward either way)

And when they get babies? Fuggedaboutit.

Maybe they would like to spend some time with their non-married friends - you know, to 'get away' from it all...
But listen girl, one word about Diapers, how you have to leave early to pay the sitter, or anything to do with your OBGYN, and I'm out!

Ok, I understand your situation. I do. I know it's most likely in my future as well. But right now, your 12-hour labor is the last thing I need details about.

I love kids. They usually love me too. I've always been a great camp counselor, babysitter, youth advisor.

But babies? I'll admit a lot of babies are cute. But unless they say something funny, they don't really do much to keep my ADD under wraps.

I've changed a few diapers in my life, but I really don't know too much about babies. When you tell me he's 4 months, 8 months, 16 months - I can't help but wonder why you don't just count in years like normal people.

I don't know the difference between a 4 month old and 16 month old either. It can be a problem. A few years back I was asked to babysit someone's grandchild during a wedding. They asked if I was ok with babies. Until that point the youngest I've ever looked after on my own was a 2 year old (other than my siblings!). They told me the baby was 5 months old (i think - like i said, I don't know what that means). I said "sure, I'd be happy too!". I was not.

The baby cried the ENTIRE time. I took her out to the hallway to try and calm her down. I picked her up and tried to rock her in my arms (i do know that shaking a baby is a criminal offense) but she wouldn't stop hollering. The groom and the entire male posse decided to use that moment to walk down to do the Bedekin-ing. I think the baby was louder than the 150 or so men singing. Needless to stay - I've refused babysitting offers ever since!

jingle bells in my head

I went shopping today and it seems like xmas has taken over the universe! Or at least the mall.

You know what I'm talking about, right? At least those of you who have ever stepped foot inside of an American mall during the month of December.

All the stores seem to be using those pumpkin pie glade plug-ins, and everything is red, green and gold. (colors that would otherwise be considered tacky)

All the display windows have fake snow and some kind of holiday theme. Every mall has one of those huge fake castles where you can tell santa to buy you stuff. I remember some of my not-so-frum friends used to sit on santa's lap just for the free candy cane. Which in a way, was very Jewish of them.

And let's not forget the holiday jingles! How sad is it that I can probably sing more x-mas carols than Chanukah tunes. They're just so catchy! And they make you think of snowflakes and snowmen and cozy fireplaces and mugs of hot cocoa.

And don't you secretly love xmas lights? Not the ones in tacky colors (see above), but the pretty white lights against pine or palm trees (depending on where you live). There are a few neighborhoods in my town where they light up the whole street, with strings of lights hanging from lampposts over cars - it looks pretty magical. But I'm not supposed to say that out loud, right?

We use some of those lights in our Sukkah (we insist to my Dad that they were NOT bought in the xmas aisle) And apparently in Israel, Charedis use xmas decorations in their sukkahs too (old man with big white beard and nice big smile - he must be a Rebbe!). So maybe that makes it ok that I enjoy the holiday season!

And let's face it people - we need to work on our PR! Sure every store nowadays also has a Chanukah section, or at least the token Menorah as decor. But all the Chanukah trinkets on sale look so goyish! What real yid calls it 'Hanuka'? Or wants anything that says 'Hanuka' in their home? And does Jewish = blue & white and/or star of david and/or menorah design?

Borat's brother, Erran Baron Cohen, recently came out with some new takes on Chanukah classics. Here's one: (maybe it'll get the jingle bells out of my head!)

jews vs. goyim

Miss S. had an interesting article entitled "Does Chosen = Superior?":
http://rishonah.blogspot.com/2008/11/does-chosen-superior.html

I have some young nephews who go to a pretty frum Yeshiva in Boro Park. Their education seems to divide the world between "yiddin" and "goyim". They'll often tell me jokes where "A goy" is similar to what was once a polak or a blond - someone who is dumb or evil or has any quality that is directly opposite of that of the 'Jewish hero' of their story.

My nephews rarely have any interaction with anyone that isn't Frum, let alone not Jewish. And I will admit that growing up, I rarely did either. The only non-Jews I knew well were babysitters or secular teachers (even then, our school preferred to hire Jews for those positions!). Even the technically not-Jewish summer camp I attended was almost 100% Jewish and kosher.

It was only when I went to college that I began to realize that there are other people out there in the world! I became friends with Asians and Black people who didn't have accents or work as house cleaners!

But I was never racist. I never considered myself, and still don't consider myself in any way better because I am Jewish. Proud? Yes, definitely. But better? No. Different - maybe.

So why do these schools insist on teaching children that goyim are less worthy? Is the 'Goy' their equivalent of a Disney Villian - an easily identifiable characterization of what is 'bad' for children to comprehend?

do you eat at weddings?

Can you tell my plan to study is going well tonight?

FrumSatire just (seriously, like as in five minutes ago) posted about Food at Weddings.
http://www.frumsatire.net/2008/12/06/so-nu-how-was-the-food

So... do you eat at weddings?

My parents are just like Frum's. When they come home from a wedding, they judge the event based on qualities that I never normally even think about - the FOOD and how loud the music was. Not 'oh the Bride looked gorgeous' or 'the Brother of the groom have a great speech', but it's usually, 'Ugh - the food was disgusting. I thought those people were rich. I guess they have no taste!'

I will admit they do sometimes have positive comments. But I think my parents (and a lot of their friends) are often even harsher critics than Zagats!

Me? I rarely eat at weddings. Not because I'm not starved or because I'm a picky eater. But usually because by the time I get back to my table from the dancefloor, my plate's already been taken away!

And during the cocktails pre-sit down portion of an event, (some call this the smorgasboard - which I think is a kinda ugly term; others call this the hors d'oeuvres - much fancier), I HATE having to carry around a plate of food or having a mouth full of sushi and/or chicken on a stick (whatever do you do with that stick afterwards!). And I'm usually more excited about the pretty fruity drinks and worried about my dress fitting to eat anything!

No, I'm definitely not anorexic (although sometimes I wish I had their self-control, like now, when I should be studying). But to me, a great wedding is one where I have a ton of fun, dancing with friends around a bride I know and love.

what is going on with this world?

Have you heard what's going on in Hebron?

My friend Jude posted these comments on Facebook and I thought it worth sharing with you:

"I was there this summer. The Jewish families who live there are forced to remain in a small area of the city. The closest hospitals, stores or restaurants are in Kiryat Arbah, and they must travel in bullet-proof cars and carry Uzis to get there.

I don't think I could live under such horrible conditions. But these people really believe in what they are doing. I wouldn't really label them 'zionist extremists' - there is a Chabad house there and Chabad isn't necessarily a zionist movement. But regardless, there is no denying that these people have the right to live there if they so choose.

If a Jew can live in France, in Australia, even in Iran, why can't these people live in Hebron? (no matter who makes claim to the land)

The Jewish community in Hebron existed for thousands of years until it was brutally displaced in 1929--after Arab marauders murdered, raped and burned to death scores of Jews and dispossessed the community of properties that included hundreds of acres of real estate."

get off the internet and chew some gum

Random Bochur scores another sheitel-tip again.

He sent me this article from the NY Times : http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/25/business/media/25adco.html?_r=1&ref=technology

You may have seen this ad before on the Subway.

Any thoughts? Do we spend too much time online? (sounds like a silly question coming from me!)

I'll admit I spend a major chunk of my day on my laptop. Facebook, E-mails, MM, and not to mention school and work, are all things that require me to spend a lot of time online. It's almost not by choice anymore!

I have some friends who are AGAINST Facebook - they don't want to risk getting addicted. And I'll admit, I am pretty addicted. But it's such a great way to keep in touch with people I wouldn't otherwise see on a daily basis!

Thoughts?

are you getting divorced?

My good friend (ok, we've never met, but who says friendship can't be virtual!), Random Bochur, sent me this link to a Divorce Calculator. Yup, that's right - a calculator that measures your odds of getting divorced. Only catch? You need to be married to take the test. But even if you're not, it's interesting to see what they come up with!

Here's the link: http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/02/assessing-your-divorce-risk/

Too bad they don't take into account religion....

how did they meet?

My friend has a little dinner party the other night and decided we needed an 'ice-breaker' after the meal. So we all went around the room telling everyone how our parents met one another. We came up with some pretty interesting stories (but I think the guy who's parents met on JDate was lying....)

So.... How did your parents meet?

do jewish boys have beitzim?

If so? Where are they?

This Jewish guy I met this Shabbos is your typical ModOrth UWS single professional type who is desperate to get married. He didn't say he was desperate - but cmon, he lives on the UWS, and he says he doesn't sleep around. (but then, who knows!)

One of his good friends is this girl who would be PERFECT for him. They have awesome chemistry, are perfectly compatible height, look and religious-wise. And they're both single! So what's going on here? Why doesn't he make a move. It's not like they're SUCH good friends that they risk losing something if it doesn't work out. I know that if the guy made a move, the girl would probably be interested. But girls don't like to make the first move. Nor should they have to.

Jewish boys need Beitzim.

is it ok to like the gays?

There's a gay Jewish blogger out there (www.almostkosher.blogspot.com) that I discovered the other day. He's married (to a boy) and recently converted, Conserva/Reform style, to Judaism. In a comment on FrumSatire's recent post (based on one of our late night chats), Brian Judd asked about the halachas involved with gay men being able to go to a mikvah with other men.

Interesting question. My friends have actually wondered about that. Where do "the gays" fit in in an Orthodox setting? Do they have to be shomer negiah around men too? And do shomer rules not apply around women? (same q goes for the "lady gays" too)

I know doing the gay thing isn't exactly kosher. Ok, it's downright treif. And kinda gross when you think about the logistics of it (from a hetero standpoint at least! to quote Ben Affleck's character in Chasing Amy, "there are in holes and there are out holes" lol ok, too graffic huh? Babysitter - keep your eyes closed!)

But I remember taking a sociology class taught by an openly gay professor. He wasn't your 'typical' gay guy - he was pretty old, gray hair, big glasses, really overweight and had a horrible sense of style. He once talked about how hard it was for him when he was in his teens and twenties - growing up during a time when the perfect Pleasantville family was considered the ideal norm and when no one, not even celebrities, came out of the closet. His family pretty much shunned him. He spoke about how he would wish he wasn't gay, how it wasn't an option for him not to be. It was who he was.

I'm not going to debate the whole nature vs. nurture issue right now. Whether or not people are born gay is something that I can never really figure out. But the Torah says that acting on 'gay urges' is wrong. So could the Torah truly ban something that people are not able to control?

Despite what the tefillin daters may say, I do think that sexuality is something you can control. Just like you can control the urge to eat an entire bag of Miss Vickie's Jalapeno Chips (oooh so good). It may be harder to stop once you've had one chip (they say you can never each just one!), but you can always stop. And if you leave the bag closed, you (and your hips) are much better off.

There is this gay Jewish boy that I know. One day he told me how depressed he was that he was single (his ex had moved on - to a sheigitz!). It occurred to me that he would reallly get along with this other gay Jewish boy I knew. I was all excited to make the shidduch! (lol i'm a future yenta!) But then I wondered - was I being an accomplice to a potential sin? It turned out that gay boy #2 didn't think gay boy #1 was so attractive, so it didn't work (potential sin avoided!).
But was I in the wrong?

Despite knowing that being gay goes against my Ortho beliefs, I can't help but love being the Grace to my gay friends' Will. (Lesbians, Im not too into.... maybe Ive been hit on one time too many and it freaked me out) But gay guys are like girl friends that can give you a boy's perspective. So is it ok to like the gays?

where are my friends this week?

Susan, Gabrielle, Bree, Edie and even Lynette ditched me on Sunday.

On Monday, there was no word from either Serena or Blair.

Tyra already said goodbye last Wednesday.

And now I hear that Christina, Meredith and Izzie are also leaving me hanging this Thursday.

I know it's Thanksgiving coming up, and everyone's busy making turkey -

but where are my friends this week?