Thursday, January 15, 2009

beards don't make the man

One of my good friends, Ruthie, just told me this crazy little 'dating' story, which she thankfully allowed me to post on here. It's too good not to share.
Ruthie is a somewhat recent BT, and like all my friends, super gorgeous (naturally).
Back in her less tznius days, she was at a Shabbos meal where she met this Breastlover (well, he was actually some other kind of Chassid/Heimish/Boro Park-type guy) who was a friend of the Rabbi of the house. Well actually, she was never formally introduced to him (seeing as how they were on opposite sides of the room and guys with black hats aren't supposed to talk to soon-to-be BT maidels), but apparently he noticed her (or was it her cleavage?).
A few days later, this guy asked the Rebbetzin about Ruthie (ie - he was interested) and (despite better judgment) the Rebbetzin gave the guy Ruthie's info. Well actually, she just gave him Ruthie's name, and then he stalked her out and found her on Facebook.
Apparently, this boy was in love.
Ruthie, in her pre-BT stage, assumed that boys with beards and black hats must be more holy than the rest.
That's why she was pretty suprised when she kept getting messages from this guy asking her to marry him (he did give her a 10 day deadline - can't wait forever!), that he would do anything to go out with her, that he would even cut off his beard for her (bet Na Na Na Nachman wouldn't like to hear that one!).
He even made his own home videos devoted to his love for her, where he came up with lines such as (Babysitter, close your eyes) "wouldn't it be nice to wake up with your legs over my shoulders". He also quoted some Gemara which I guess my Talmud teacher forgot to mention, when he said that he wanted to get Ruthie pregnant and then make their child more beautiful by "boning (her) nonstop".
BUT because he was such a Chassid, he couldn't touch her (in any of the explicit places he mentioned on more than one occasion) until they were married. But because he was also such a gentleman, he would be willing to help Ruthie out with exam stress by having phone sex with her (apparently that's ok in Shomer Negia land)....
A real keeper.

25 comments:

Rafi G said...

this post is just too funny!

EsPes said...

hahhahha oy vey!
and btw i crack up everytime i read "breastlover"... but really i am very mature

frumpunk said...

*takes notes*

Frayda said...

lovely! (sarcastic) I hate these kinds of stories.

Honestly Frum said...

This guy sounds like a real winner. Another (not so) secret pervert hiding behind his beard and hat. Seriously, someone should teach these guys to be a bit more discrete. Last year there was a story in the NY post about some guys getting caught trying to pick up prostitutes having to go to "John School" and wouldn't you know it, a bunch of yarmulkes proudly displayed in the picture. Seriously dude, take off the scull cap before going to class.

Shorty said...

charming...simply...charming...

The Wandering Wondering Jew said...

Funny yet completely disturbing. More disturbing for me because I was internet stalked by a similar type of guy before.

There's lots of creeps out in the world.

Anonymous said...

it could be the same guy!

Maidel said...

someone asked me what a Breastlover is.

are Breslov Chassidim that quiet?

The Babysitter said...

oy vey!

lol, your too cute how you look out for me!

It's really crazy, I used to think the same way too, then once I joined myspace I learned that if someones Chassidish it doesn't mean their holy. I couldn't believe what these people said. And what this guy said in the post is really crazy, he doesn't sound normal. I'm betting though, in person you wouldn't imagine such words would come out of his mouth.

Maidel: I think it's because you spelled the name wrong that they asked what it was. But their the ones that give out those booklets I think. I wonder if they give it out in other places besides Brooklyn.

Moshe said...

The name's spelled right.
I think you missed the joke. ;-)

frumpunk said...

Moshe: Not the kind of joke you'd expect Babysitter to get.

Moshe said...

touche ;-)

The Babysitter said...

lol, of course I got the joke...if you want to call it that.

frumpunk said...

Oy, Babysitter. You're getting more wordly by the day. I think MM is a bad influence on you :P

The Babysitter said...

Frum Punk: lol, at least MM did her part, warning me to close my eyes. :-)

and btw, you saw my comment on MM's other recent post with the beards?

The Babysitter said...

Frum Punk: oops, I meant this post

frumpunk said...

I did, I did.

The Babysitter said...

I see I see

Maidel said...

i love being a bad influence!

frumpunk said...

On Babysitter? Noone should be bad influence on Babysitter. That certain level of naiveté and innocence is what makes The Babysitter, The Babysitter.

EsPes said...

i agree with frumpunk.
but this just clicked with me- babysitter- ur on MYSPACE?!?!?!?!

The Babysitter said...

I feel so...I dunno what I feel, but its an interesting feeling, how everybody's discussing "the babysitter".

Espes: I WAS, for a few months, 3 years ago. I did it, because I had taken my first college class, and it was intro to computer programming, and we learned HTML and Java Script, and I thought it would be fun to create my own thing. Our class used computers, and I noticed some other people checking myspace, so then I checked it out. I had fun customizing my page, it's a shame I couldn't save what I created after I deleted my account. Back then facebook wasn't as popular, but I did join FB shortly after, and grew to like it much more.

Dude with hat (aka BTS) said...

Another unfortunate story about sheltered people having sexual problems. And mind problems too I guess.

Breast-lover - sounds funny

chanie said...

Ewww, and not all frum or chassidish people are like that. Some people will be decent no matter what community they're in...some will be indecent no matter what community.

G-d, he should talk to Yoni, perhaps Yoni could cure him.