Monday, May 24, 2010

"it depends on who i marry"

How many times have you heard that statement uttered by a Single?

Usually in answer to questions such as "Will you cover your hair?", "Would you make Aliyah?", "Would you want to take time off to learn?".

I'll admit that I'm sometimes guilty of using the same wishy-washy statement - maybe because i'll admit that i can be a little wishy-washy on where I stand on certain issues. Maybe I, like many other unmarried 20-something year olds, have yet to truly 'figure myself out' - whatever that means.

Is that part of being young or part of being single?

Why is it that some of us think that once we find our Bashert we will also find ourselves?

I've noticed that as I get older, it's a little bit easier to answer some of those 'tough' questions (without having to resort to the 'it depends on who I marry' answer).

But is it really because I'm more 'mature' now than I was a few years ago - or because I've dated more?


Anonymous said...

It's a sign that you don't have a strong opinion about the issue, and that you're willing to be flexible & open to the beliefs of your spouse.

Anything that you care about a lot or feel strongly about doesn't depend on who you marry. There is nothing wrong with not having strong beliefs about minutiae of ritual practice, and not having a definite sense of the big ticket items is healthy for someone young. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to be on the same page as your spouse regarding this big picture stuff either. The only thing I'd worry about is if you delay deciding how you feel about things or try to make decisions in your life based on what some unknown person might think of it in the future. I spent a lot of my 20s trying to have the career and geography that matched a certain kind of hashkafa/family lifestyle only to discover in my 30s that my values and beliefs matured and shifted anyway.

Data said...

My version is usually, "My husband will have to make peace with that."

I think un-sureness is not a sign of single-tude, but an individual thing. And yes, I am more sure now than I was a few years ago; I have seen more of the world, I have seen both sides of situations, I have seen other couples and what are issues for them.

If someone becomes suddenly sure after marriage, they are simply the type happy to defer to another's opinion.

Bilingual said...

I think Anonymous above is right about flexibility, but it's also that a lot of people have much more trouble making decisions for themselves than for other people. A lot of girls have very strong opinions about what their (future) husbands should be doing, down to the "He'll learn in Lakewood one year, then we'll move to an oot kollel and do kiruv for four years until the first kid is school age, then we'll move back to NY and he'll get a job in accounting" level of detail. Not so much for themselves, though: they can see so many more options for themselves, and they can't decide to exclude something from their realm of possibility.

Marriage helps with that in two ways: firstly, you're marrying someone who probably has the same level of detail opinions about you that you have about him - "my wife will cover her hair in NY and wear only black skirts that come four inches below her knees. She'll be a kindergarten teacher for the first five years to support me and then she'll stay home and watch the kids." And, assuming that his opinions are in line with at least some of the options you would consider for yourself, it's easy to fall in with someone else's decision and avoid making your own. But in a bigger way - once you've decided to marry someone, you have become exclusive. You've managed to set aside all other possibilities regarding your spouse, and that makes it easier to set aside possibilities about other things in your life. For one, you've gotten one of the biggest decisions out of the way, so you've got some practice at this now, and for another, the person you chose to marry probably comes with a value system, and since you want to get along with your spouse, you now know what value system you're making your choices to fit.

Proud MO said...

I agree with anon. It means you don't have a strong opinion on an issue. As you get older, you may find that your opinions change, and what you're looking for would change accordingly.

Anonymous said...

you are such a loser- all your babbling on the blog is going to get you nowhere in life.
go out and get a man, get married, and start LIVING. Enough with your analysis and thoughts and yenting about every stupid dating topic in the world- no wonder you are single! who could put up with such nonsense!

Cindy said...

I agree with the above anonymous poster- enough of your BS dating stories...get a man, or shut up.

Yosef said...

It's weird how people have such hate towards strangers on the internet. If what they write upsets you, just move on, you don't have to ruin their day a bit by being mean-spirited and spiteful.

smoo said...

agree with yosef. Gotta wonder what's eating these people inside to make them so hostile.
Blog what you want, what you like, how you feel. For those who find it uninteresting, change the channel.

Anonymous said...

check out for tzniut fashion advice

sarabonne said...

So nu, nu? What happened to your blog? It's been a few months...

Anonymous said...

Great post Material Maidel.
I agree with Anon and Bilingual.
And Cindy need to go get a man of her own.

FeistyFrummy said...

I don't think you have to know exactly how you feel about every single issue in life. Plus, like you said, with every guy you date, you figure out a little bit more about yourself that you hadn't known before. Goodluck with figuring out who you are, but've got plenty of time!
P.S. LOVE your blog, btw! :)