Tuesday, November 24, 2009

what's the best way to break up?

One of my besties, Leah, recently went out with this guy who she is def not interested in. Some people call that a favor to the 'matchmaker' (clearly she hasn't been doing her job that well). Some people call that a pity date. Some people call that a free coffee on a night when there's nothing good on TV. I pass no judgment. We've all been there.

But what happens when the night is over? How do you break the news to your date that there will be no second chance? Without feeling guilty for breaking his heart? (you know his heart's involved when he's called you at least three times since)

When you're met through a Shadchan, the process is a tad more simple. Unless of course she's set you up with someone she's related to (in which case, you shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place - it's almost as bad as an office romance).

But if the person who set up you up isn't exactly on 'Shadchan madreiga' (ie, it's some random who knows you both), then the ball is in your court to put the game to an end.

So how do you do it? Do you say it in person at the end of the first date? Wait for Date #2? Do you have to call someone to break up with them? Or can you just send them an e-mail/bbm/text message? Or is break-up by text message today's version of Carrie's cold-hearted post-it? (SATC fans, you know what I'm talking about)

Leah called me for advice, but unfortunately I've never been great at break-ups. I've never actually been broken up with (I know, so hard to believe). And I'm prob THE worst person to give advice on this - I usually just tell guys I've either met someone else or that it's really bad timing because I'm going to Israel the next week. Seriously, I've used that.


BigPhil said...

I admit that I'm a few years past this (unless my wife has some surprise news for me when I get home tonight), but I'm a really big fan of honesty.

There are a lot of people out there, and if you believe what they say (seperate discussion!), only one of them is right for you.

Say it how it is. Keep it short, and don't leave the poor guy/gal hanging on for too long. I always think the following evening is the best time (if that's when he calls) - shows you've spent time thinking about it, and it de-personalises it when it can't be seen as a direct response to a horrible evening.

I strongly believe that all break ups are mutual - one side may just realise it before the other, that's all!

Squeak said...

"...if you're honest and direct/And avoid making a flowery emotional speech/When you break the news/The boy will respect you for your frankness/And honestly, he'll appreciate the kind straight-forward manner/In which you told him your decision/Unless he's a real jerk or a cry-baby you'll remain friends"

Anonymous said...

It's hard to remain friends with someone you used to go out with, unless you're as desensitized as Jerry and Elaine.

I know that even in the most amicable of breakups, both people would usually prefer by far to just never talk again, also its unpleasant to see them with another person later on.

This has nothing to do with the post.......

Cheryl said...

In-person at the end of the date. Why drag it on longer?

Oh and I've done breakup by email - it sucks and I do not suggest anyone ever do it!

free dating said...

There are ways to go about breaking up that will give you the best chance for a smoother trip through one of life's most difficult passages. This is an exceedingly sensitive time when it doesn't take much to stir things up. Fortunately, because we go through this with other couples a few thousand times a year, we know exactly what you can do, and the kinds of things you must avoid, to make breaking up as smooth as possible.

Anonymous said...

The best way of breaking up is to do it face to face. Like what others said, keep the session Short!

Never consider doing it via email, text messages or phone. That's at least in my opinion is not sincere and responsible. :(