Monday, December 29, 2008

what if you weren't his/her first?

This question is really directed to those of you who haven't had any premarital experiences. I'm presuming that the answer would be very different if you had. (is presuming the same as assuming? I'm trying not to make a donkey of myself...)

But what if you found out that the guy or girl you were seeing had a not so tznius past?

I remember there was a season of Big Brother on TV (my friends are groaning now) where a girl found out some interesting facts about the guy she had been sleeping with all season long - turned out the guy was a gay porn movie star!

Ok, that's probably the WORST thing you could ever find out. And seeing as how peyos and X-rate movies don't really mix (maybe in YOUR fantasy babe, surely not in mine), you'll probably never have to worry about that kind of thing happening in your lifetime.

So what if you found out that the FFB girl you're considering for marriage had a couple of wild nights in sem? Or that the BT suggested to you worked as a Chippendale? (to pay for college of course) Or that every girl on the UWS has seen your recently flipped-out boyfriend's bedroom, but you?

Would you change your mind before making the trip down the aisle with this 'person with a past'? Would it make a difference if he/she (let's hope it's either he or she, and not he-she) was only suggested to you, and not yet someone you developed feelings for?

Would you rather enter a marital union with someone with the same level of experience, well, lack of experience, as you? Or do you think that his or her experience would make your first time together a little less..... awkward?

12 comments:

Shorty said...

An interesting question!

I think it might be easy to say "well it is in their past etc" but when it boils down to it, one cannot help but wonder how they rate to the previous experiences. I think worse yet, someone with a lot of experience may suggest a potential outrageous idea to their partner ("mind putting this on?" you can imagine what "this" can be...)

A TV show would have partner spy on ex-partners to assess the situation...(i believe this was in a movie "Little Black Book") - big mistake...

best thing - talk to the partner about their past, expectations or whatever questions you might have, be honest about your feelings...take breaks from the discussion, because it can be potentially emotional and difficult to listen to...let each person state their "case" openly and without interruption...deep breaths...

Also remember a partner not wanting to talk about it, wants to spare your feelings, not necessarily "hide" things from you...don't take it personally.

Well this is the married wife's point of view...i am sure i can babble on much more...

Keep smiling!

Sally Hazel said...

Interesting post indeed.
What if he/she was married before and forgot to mention it even after the 5th date?
What if you are his/her first physically but not emotionally?

Honest communication may be the key. It's not where in line you stand but what bothers/doesn't bother you...

Child Ish Behavior said...

What do you think? You seem to be leading the post in a certain direction. I'm going to say that you think it matters. Why ask the question otherwise. As for me, my theory is that people are only accepting when they have done the same too. People are only accepting when they want to be accepted. And so, it would only be acceptable to me if I had did the same as well. And even then it would depend on my own personal level of acceptance of my own actions as well.

Dina said...

I don't think it matters, in and of itself. Yes, they could suggest something "outrageous" - the other person can always refuse, and it's always possible they'd actually like it. Yes, they could compare you to previous partners - but if they have that kind of mentality, if it's not your technique they're critiquing, it's something else.
It would also depend on the circumstances - for instance, I would have issues with a guy who'd been with a prostitute, because I do not care for people who think of women's bodies as something to be bought and sold.

nameless, faceless said...

Dina: can I ask why a hooker bothers you more than any other woman?

Adam, now in Boro Park said...

With regard to NSA relations, I see little differnce between a woman at a bar and a prostitute. The behavior and the intent for the man is the same and either way the man looks upon the woman as nothing more than a piece of flesh. One question as we have to show documentation that we are Jewish to the meseder kiddushim, does a women have to show evidence that the men she has slept with were Jewish before a kohain would be permitted to marry her? I think this is the reason that poskim are starting to require kohanim to only marry betulot.

babymama said...

there are so many ifs.. what if you are not her|his first emotionally? what actually counts as sex? petting or oral or actual sex? i think you should really talk about it, or ask through a shadchan if the person is a virgin or not. It also depends if u found out from somebody else or if your date wanted to share it..
on the one hand, u want an experienced partner, on the other hand, u don't want to be compared to anyone.. i think it all depends on your feelings, do you relythis person? and how serious about him|her u feel to compromise or not commpromise views on this topic

The Babysitter said...

Shorty: that was a great answer!

Lisa said...

this is getting interesting...

AH said...

A Jewish psychologist speaking at a psychologists' conference noted that most breakups/divorces are caused by the partners comparing each other to past partners. After his speech more than half of the people in attendance came over to tell him how right he was.

Moshe said...

I never told my wife about my shiksa practices and I don't plan on telling her any time soon.

Why bother?

chanie said...

Depends on the reason: If they're BT, and have completely done teshuva, then fine. If they "had fun" in yeshiva or sem, definitely not.