Thursday, December 17, 2009

top 10 things you'll find at a NY jew party

In no particular order, here they are: (and yes, these are generalizations)

  1. Semi-dark room - dim enough to make you think the guy introducing himself is actually Potential; not dark enough to hide his really awkward dance moves.
  2. Empty Dance floor - NY Jews just don't like to dance in front of other NY Jews. Except of course, for the aforementioned non-Potential, and that one couple making babies in full view (they're either Israeli, or she's fulfilling his shiksa fantasy).
  3. Over-priced tickets - because everything else about being Jewish costs more, so of course they can charge Jews $50 to come to an otherwise free public space. And don't forget to bring your wallet - drinks are definitely not covered. 
  4. Really Bad Music - this could explain #2. But there really is no explanation for a DJ who switches to trance when everyone's happily singing along to Black Eyed Peas.
  5. VIP sections without any actual VIPs - just another ploy to get Jews to shell out more dough. Some party planners think this a good way to weed out the weirdos.... but whoever decided that weirdos don't have cash obviously forgot that Pauly Shore was once a celebrity.
  6. Hot bartender - why is the hottest guy in the room also the most gentile?
  7. Starers, as in people who STARE - not as bad as Brooklyn starers, if only because mouths are kept closed. But this seems to be the activity of choice at NY Jew parties. Also could explain #2. Why dance when you can watch? Sounds hot, but is pretty creepy when you're on the receiving end. 
  8. Jews - well, duh. But there are also the token non-Js, such as #6, as well as the bouncer, the coat check people, and friends of Jews (in which case, they're probably immersed in Jew culture because all their friends are Jewish - or, they're acting as wing-men it for their unaffiliated Jew friend whose mother will kill him if he doesn't find a wife at this party).
  9. Same faces - the kinds you are trying to avoid. But they show up, no matter what party you go to. Maybe filing a restraining order isn't such a bad idea after all.
  10. Frum jews trying to pass off as normal. Sorry buddy, just because you're not wearing your yarmulka tonight doesn't mean I don't recognize you as my Boro Park cousin's chavrusa.


Leor said...

"Jew party" is pejorative. "Jewish party" would come across better.