Wednesday, November 18, 2009

are shadchans emasculating?

A very good friend of mine just told me about a recent convo with a guy friend of hers. He said that he felt 'emasculated' by the shadchan system. He said that it takes away from the 'chase', from the 'adrenaline rush' that men get when they get up the nerve to ask a girl for her number. Going through a shadchan takes a guy out of the 'driver's seat' - and in turn, he ends up taking the process less seriously.


Guys - want to comment?

11 comments:

N said...

I guess if you come from the community where guys don't normally ask girls out then it's not really an issue. In my community no-one cares one or another.

Anonymous said...

Rather than pursuing a woman for her number, I prefer going up to talk with her and then she offers to give me her phone number, asks for my cell phone and programs her number in it. It's happened once before and I'm looking forward to it happening again.

Big N8 said...

I'm just imagining this guy in Lederhosen with a spear hiding in a bush not far from a girl waiting for when she is distracted so he can ask her for her number, very primal, i love it.

Also, i don't think he is emasculated because the shadchan introduces her to him. I think he is emasculated because the shidduch procedure forces man to take advice from other people, and all men HATE that, it has nothing to do (IMHO) with the "thrill of the hunt" that he misses, there is plenty of that when they go out.

romantic love as a basis for marriage has only existed since the 19th century, up until then arranged marriage was the norm and it has served society quite well, so i don't know what he is getting on about.

What was the post about again?

Anonymous said...

The only emasculation that goes on is when a stupid shadchan sets up a normal guy with a bad girl (bad girl is subjective and refers only to the particular guy). The more terrible dates he goes on the less manly he feels. This is due to the fact men hate wasting time and money on women they do nor care about, and especially on girls that are DOA-dates. A man much rather ask a girl for her number - take her out and then find out it's totally not going to happen. At least he got that fresh and exciting moment and feeling of attracting a woman he has a certain strong attraction to. Likewise it is certain the girl in question also is happier as she knows the guy in question she's attracted to, and interested in has a strong interest in her.
The shadchan process is at least supposed to make sure that bad dates never happen. (by putting two supposedly normal people together). A Shadchan simply fails at their role and duty to match make every time they put two people who have a bad date, that IS IF the bad date is due to personality issues from one side or another.

Furthermore there are plenty of chances on a date (shidduch or otherwise) a guy can feel he's in the right role acting like a man. Unfortunately too many men haven't developed enough tact or experience from teenage-hood to know how to execute their proper roles. Any lack of masculinity is from inexperience.

L said...

Hey, what's with the illustration? Real men aren't afraid to wear kilts.

still waiting said...

besides totally agreeing that it is emasculating i feel it also takes away from the girls feeling pursued which would cause her to give the relationship more of a try.

Moshe said...

Whatever happened to the good old fashioned clubbing over the head...

הצעיר שלמה בן רפאל לבית שריקי ס"ט said...

Never been to a shadchan. ..I'm always afraid of the adbsurd look they'll give me when I tell them I want to get married ("You?!")..

Data said...

In "Unattached," a documentary about the singles scene on the Upper West Side, it shows how one of the problems are that when guys and girls are thrown together, guys don't go over and talk to the girls.

Why? Presumably, because they fear rejection. It takes a lot of guts to approach someone, get all vulnerable, then get shot down, maybe repeatedly. Some can't handle the . . . emasculation.

So the shadchan (whether male or female) can be a preserver of a man's ego.

DanielS82 said...

As a person who has experienced both worlds, going up and asking somebody out in the non Jewish world, and the shidduch system, I much prefer the shidduch system, it is a lot less nerve wracking, and I can still be a man in it, ie chosing where to go eat the first couple of times, being the one to make the phone calls, holding open the door, being a gentleman and meeting the parents, being manly often times means being a gentleman, thats what girls want anyways, right?

Frum N' Flipping said...

I'm with you on this one.

The shidduch scene totally reverses the roles. Especially when I'm the one travelling to where the guy lives.

Sometime I feel like turning up with flowers on the guys doorstep.