things that frum weddings can do without

This one's inspired by Bad4Shidduchim's recent post about how she hates the whole maypole umbrella 'tradition' that is now a part of every frum wedding. (personally, I don't really mind it...it makes for great pics! and it's practically how you know the wedding you're at is Jewish - no matter what the original origin of the thing)

Here are some things I don't think Frum weddings realllly need (if only because these things sometimes puzzle me or just plain get on my nerves):

1) Simcha Dancing - or, as I like to call it, Square Dancing. Because no one is ever really any good at it and no one ever looks good doing it, except for the one or two girls who decide to go off in a corner of the dance floor and pull moves you know they practice at home. Rarely is the Kallah actually involved in the routine - and all it does is confuse everybody else and put a halt to the REAL dancing  - you know, where everyone squeezes together in disjointed circles around the perspiring bride.

2) Lifting of the Bride by women in stilettos - I think if there is any moment in a girl's life where she should give in to non-Shomer desires, this is it. If what was supposed to happen in the Yichud room went according to plan, then surely the bride won't mind letting a few more sweaty guys get a little close. Let the men lift her people! It's a matter of life and death. No seriously, we've all heard that one story about the bride who spent her wedding night in the hospital because of a bad chair-lift. And why is there always that one girl in size-double-zero dress wearing six-inch heels part of the lift crew? I see a chairlift and I step away - there's no reason to get into a situation where you're potentially liable for a lawsuit.

3) And speaking of which..... putting the bride on a table is NOT safe either. I say this from personal experience, where I thought that we had killed the bride, as a table leg broke and she came crashing to the ground. Not a happy memory.

4) The three-dance rule. I hate rules. And if the bride is someone I really like, and if I'm having a great time, I don't see why the band has to stop playing after just three rounds of circle-time. One time, I got yelled at by a DJ when I asked him to play just one more song. (he must've been off his meds - wish I remembered his name so I could tell you who not to use)

5) People talking during the Chuppah. This is almost worse than talking during Shul. So disrespectful. Ok, I'll admit - I am sometimes guilty of this too. (this is often the best time to get all the gossip about the groom's illegitimate brother and his uncle's recent jail-time). But when the noise level of the crowd is so bad that you can barely hear the Chussan step on the glass, there is a problem.

6) Bad Sushi - there's no secret that sushi is the way to my heart. But sushi at weddings is rarely any good, or even passable. And how exactly are people supposed to use the soy sauce? Even when my craving overrules my palate, I hate eating Sushi at shmorgs (well really, I hate eating at shmorgs) because there really is no polite way to eat a piece besides stuffing the entire thing in my mouth. Definitely not polite to have a mouthful of rice when I'm busy saying hello to each of my hundred second cousins. Still, I applaud the efforts of families who actually do bother to spend some dough on a decent shmorg. (if you're really bored right now, go look up the word 'shmorg' at http://www.urbandictionary.com/)

7) Bright Lights - I know old people hate the dimmer switch, but I personally think it adds ambiance. I hate when weddings are brightly lit - in a room where everyone's wearing entire jars of MAC, you'd think halls would be glad to save some money off their electric bills. Apparently some places (eden palace) actually don't let you lower the lights for the Chuppah. Ladies, I think this calls for a protest.

8) Bridal gowns with non-detachable trains. Someone needs to speak to Kleinfelds. There is no reason why a girl's gown needs to give her such a headache when she's trying to dance. Every bride spends at least 20 minutes surrounded by a team of 20 people trying to figure out what to do with all those ties and buttons that supposedly bustles up the dress. I have yet to see this actually work. What usually happens - that big long train gets tied into one big knot.

9)  Weddings that end too early - I still haven't gotten used to that part of living in NY. Where I'm from, dessert tables are brought out at midnight and if I'm home before one it means I wasn't having a good time.

10) The bar on the wrong side of the Mechitza. Unless a girl is brave enough to cross over, need I say more?