Thursday, October 29, 2009

things that frum weddings can do without

This one's inspired by Bad4Shidduchim's recent post about how she hates the whole maypole umbrella 'tradition' that is now a part of every frum wedding. (personally, I don't really mind it...it makes for great pics! and it's practically how you know the wedding you're at is Jewish - no matter what the original origin of the thing)

Here are some things I don't think Frum weddings realllly need (if only because these things sometimes puzzle me or just plain get on my nerves):

1) Simcha Dancing - or, as I like to call it, Square Dancing. Because no one is ever really any good at it and no one ever looks good doing it, except for the one or two girls who decide to go off in a corner of the dance floor and pull moves you know they practice at home. Rarely is the Kallah actually involved in the routine - and all it does is confuse everybody else and put a halt to the REAL dancing  - you know, where everyone squeezes together in disjointed circles around the perspiring bride.

2) Lifting of the Bride by women in stilettos - I think if there is any moment in a girl's life where she should give in to non-Shomer desires, this is it. If what was supposed to happen in the Yichud room went according to plan, then surely the bride won't mind letting a few more sweaty guys get a little close. Let the men lift her people! It's a matter of life and death. No seriously, we've all heard that one story about the bride who spent her wedding night in the hospital because of a bad chair-lift. And why is there always that one girl in size-double-zero dress wearing six-inch heels part of the lift crew? I see a chairlift and I step away - there's no reason to get into a situation where you're potentially liable for a lawsuit.

3) And speaking of which..... putting the bride on a table is NOT safe either. I say this from personal experience, where I thought that we had killed the bride, as a table leg broke and she came crashing to the ground. Not a happy memory.

4) The three-dance rule. I hate rules. And if the bride is someone I really like, and if I'm having a great time, I don't see why the band has to stop playing after just three rounds of circle-time. One time, I got yelled at by a DJ when I asked him to play just one more song. (he must've been off his meds - wish I remembered his name so I could tell you who not to use)

5) People talking during the Chuppah. This is almost worse than talking during Shul. So disrespectful. Ok, I'll admit - I am sometimes guilty of this too. (this is often the best time to get all the gossip about the groom's illegitimate brother and his uncle's recent jail-time). But when the noise level of the crowd is so bad that you can barely hear the Chussan step on the glass, there is a problem.

6) Bad Sushi - there's no secret that sushi is the way to my heart. But sushi at weddings is rarely any good, or even passable. And how exactly are people supposed to use the soy sauce? Even when my craving overrules my palate, I hate eating Sushi at shmorgs (well really, I hate eating at shmorgs) because there really is no polite way to eat a piece besides stuffing the entire thing in my mouth. Definitely not polite to have a mouthful of rice when I'm busy saying hello to each of my hundred second cousins. Still, I applaud the efforts of families who actually do bother to spend some dough on a decent shmorg. (if you're really bored right now, go look up the word 'shmorg' at http://www.urbandictionary.com/)

7) Bright Lights - I know old people hate the dimmer switch, but I personally think it adds ambiance. I hate when weddings are brightly lit - in a room where everyone's wearing entire jars of MAC, you'd think halls would be glad to save some money off their electric bills. Apparently some places (eden palace) actually don't let you lower the lights for the Chuppah. Ladies, I think this calls for a protest.

8) Bridal gowns with non-detachable trains. Someone needs to speak to Kleinfelds. There is no reason why a girl's gown needs to give her such a headache when she's trying to dance. Every bride spends at least 20 minutes surrounded by a team of 20 people trying to figure out what to do with all those ties and buttons that supposedly bustles up the dress. I have yet to see this actually work. What usually happens - that big long train gets tied into one big knot.

9)  Weddings that end too early - I still haven't gotten used to that part of living in NY. Where I'm from, dessert tables are brought out at midnight and if I'm home before one it means I wasn't having a good time.


10) The bar on the wrong side of the Mechitza. Unless a girl is brave enough to cross over, need I say more?

17 comments:

manishtana said...

9) if everything went according to plan in the yichud room then the bride and groom have better things to do [wink wink, nudge nudge] than sit around with you guys for hours on end. lol
10) and the bar IS on the right side of the mechitza. its a litmus test. that way you know she's got moxy AND can be a drinking buddy.

Jessica said...

I agree with every single one... well, except the last one. Just go over to the men's side and get a drink!

stam[azoid] said...

once was at a wedding, kallah was on a table then her sisters joined her the entire table broke - wooden table with metal "rim", the rim bent and the wooden table cracked in half.

N said...

my brother's wedding was on sunday, everything was perfect! Someone even shlepped Fried there as a surprise :)

Data said...

The orchestra probably has a 3 dance contract. Unless you were willing to fork over a little more green so you can boogie . . .

Not everyone revels in the late night. Even the chosson and kallah want to get rid of you at some point. And I have to go to work in the morning.

That's why afternoon weddings are ideal. They last longer than night ones, everyone parties to their hearts content while not being dead at their desk the next morning.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

1- I never did any dance steps by friends weddings, cause I don't know how to dance, and I really don't know how. By my vort, my future sister in laws pulled me it dance with me in a circle, and even that I couldn't do, I was like walking side ways. I really need to take dance lessons so I don't make a fool of myself by my wedding! Any ideas?

2- since I didn't have a bas mitzvah, I had a "bar mitzvah, at my brothers bar mitzvah, and there I invited friends over, and at one point by the dancing, they lifted me up on a chair, it wasn't even high and I remember thinking I was going to fall off. But then when I watch my parents wedding video and I see my mother being lifted on a chair and brought over to the mechitzah the same time that my father is being lifted so that they can wave to each other and hold hands I think it's really cute. So that if I would be lifted on a chair I'd want it to be like that, though not sure what SN thinks of that.

3- it's a shame when these things go wrong. I guess the lesson learned is to double check that the table is secure before going on it! I watched SN's sister's video, and I loved the part where she was sitting on the table being lifted up while holding and twirling the umbrella, I thought it was a perfect pose.

4- what does 3 rounds of circle time mean?

5- I definitely agree with you on this one.

6- we're not having sushi at our wedding, though I noticed by a wedding I went to everyone was gobbling the sushi up.

7- I agree with you on this one. I guess that's why they say to apply your make up on in a brightly lit room so you can see all the blemishes.

9- my wedding's gonna be Sunday night, and there's no mitzvah tans, which means it's gonna end early. Thought it is on a special day so maybe there will be extra shtick which will keep it going longer. But I know what you mean about things having to end late to have that feeling of a night out.

Eiran said...

For me,these meidele is not material,lol

frum single female said...

i personally think that cell phones should be banned at the chupah. i once was at a wedding where someone decided to chat during the chupah. the phone chatter sat next to me and i got her to leave the room, but it wasnt easy.

Anonymous said...

http://www.llewellyn.com/encyclopedia/term/Maypole+Dancing

Cheryl said...

Have you ever been to an Israeli wedding (in Israel)? Now that's a noisy chuppah! Oh and I find that the more frum the wedding, the louder the chuppah!
Early afternoon weddings are really the most considerate - time your wedding so that ppl have enough time to travel back and forth in 1 day instead of screwing ppl over so that they can't come or have to spend on a night in a hotel.

N said...

frum weddings can do without bad food - food should be good!

tom said...

does anyone understand a thing eiran said?

tom said...

does anyone understand a thing eiran said?

frumsatire said...

What about those sad songs at the chupah it makes you feel like someone is about to get shot.

Lost And Not Yet Found said...

haha I like this list. #1 is so true.

Maidel said...

I TOTALLY forgot to mention the sad chuppah song - I always wanted something really upbeat - it's a happy day, is it not? - and then i saw this and realized my idea wasn't that original.

Moshe said...

My pet peeve, the band cranking all of the dials, including bass, to max. Not during dancing, but when everyone is sitting and eating and trying to talk to each other. No matter what they think, they're not at a concert and people did not come to the wedding for the sole purpose of listening to them.