Tuesday, September 29, 2009

the pre-date date

In two separate conversations that I had over the course of this past Shabbos, I learned about the latest fad in Brooklyn dating - the Pre-Date Date.

Convo #1 was with a good friend who also happens to be a Guy (i have some of those) and pretty Yeshivish (i have some of those too). He was telling me about some girl who was recently redd to him who asked that they meet for a casual thirty-minute session before they set up their date. He thought this was crazy - doesn't the pre-date qualify as a date?  I didn't have a chance to talk to him at length about this - we were at a separate-seating bar mitzvah and to do so would have made me either look desperate or like a whore (which on a psychological level may be one and the same).

Convo #2 was at the same event, albeit with a Boro Park Mamma (when she heard I was single she stuck to me like glue) who told me how she tells all her kids to meet before they date. Kind of like a b'show, only not just for Chassidish people. Her take on this was that spending the mandatory 4 hours on a date (i never knew frum dates had specific schedules, but i should thank her for clearing it up for me) is a waste of time when often the couple knows within 20 minutes whether or not they are compatible (sometimes it feels like all I need is 10). So in a way, the pre-date date is a time-saver. It's also a money-saver considering how much some boys dish out on dates (but I'm not gonna complain about that).

What do you think? Should the pre-date date become the hot new trend in the shidduch world? I'm on the fence about this one - I kinda like the quick-and-easy approach... but, time-wise, it'll still take me 2 hours to get ready.


DB said...

It can work in 2 ways:
1) it can help get the jitters out of the way if you meet for 10-15 min to see that what your "redd" is what your getting

2) it can be bad because people might over judge the person based on the short meeting and good shidduchim might be messed up bc of it

I personally have recently started dating and its NERVE RACKING! much easier if your at least introduced to other person at a simcha or shul!!

Tzafra said...

Is this as opposed to or in addition to the half-hour phone conversations?

fear from love. said...

oh man, there are so many intricacies to the shidduch world.
i do hear the whole predate, but to be honest when you are travelling out of town for a boy/girl it could be pretty lame if its over in ten minutes. surely there must be a strict protocol as to what is asked and done on the predate.
tbh if there are two normal people on a first date, and lets say one of them realises its not for them, im sure a well balanced person can keep a convo going for a bit longer to avoid cutting it short.

Jacob Da Jew said...

Sounds like another layer of red-tape added in.

Data said...


Am I completely out of the loop that I haven't heard this new mishagas? (Yes, I live in the NYC area and have close ties to Boro Park)

I never heard of mandatory 4 hours (maybe one date was that long), and this predate stuff is ridiculous.

If one is serious about marrying, they have to suck it up and do what everyone has got to do. And who says every date requires wining and dining? If the financial stress is too much, go out for coffee and keep it casual to begin with.

This term "shidduch system" is starting to get erroneously applied to stupidities invented 5 minutes ago that'll be out of vogue before you can say "lukshen kugel."

Jessica said...

It has it's pros and cons. Pros being that sometimes you really do know within the first few minutes that this person isn't for you. Cons being that not everyone is able to open up and be themselves within the first 20 minutes. So even if they seem like they're not for you... if you just gave them a little longer you might see something you like.

deets said...

I hope the word wh*re was placed as a joke!!

Joshua said...

That's um, interesting. I'm continually fascinated by how rapidly things seem to change in regard to what is considered proper in the shidduch world along with the general insistence that things have always been done this way.

I'm not however sure that this is that noteworthy. Having a short, low-pressure sort of quick data isn't a new idea. This is why in the general world people often go out for a cup of coffee or such.

frum single female said...

interesting way of looking at it. ive found in general for singles over thirty, instead of calling it a pre-date, we just go out for coffee first so its a short date and then perhaps the next date is fancier once one knows both parties are interested in each other.
in the yeshiva world i always thought that the "lounge date " was the equivalent of a coffee date where the guy doesnt spend much , but the prospective couple gets to know each other without the pressure of an expensive meal.
i agree with fear of love that a pre-date for someone coming from out of town is not time efficient.
every time you agree to a blind date (which really is what a shidduch date is) you have to suck it up and take a chance.

Anonymous said...

don't know in my day this was called THE SLOW DANCE

Anonymous said...

It sounds kind of childish....And all this set-up-ness kinda kills the romance lol....

Frum N' Flipping said...

In Israel first dates are only an hr and a half. And all the guy needs to pay for is a couple of soft drinks.
So perhaps that's a pre date.
I'd feel the shidduch scene is turning even more shallow if I needed to both sell myself, and judge someone else, in a 20 minute meeting.